Death Spiral

Secret to running a globally distributed high performance network consisting of thousands of machines

2010-08-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

if [ `uptime|awk '{print $3}'` -gt 48 ]; then sudo init 6; else sleep 1d; fi

Employee value confirmation:

2009-12-11T16:08:00.000-08:00

VP - You must be worth something since you came in with an acquisition

Director (reply-all) - Who are you?

After Day 1

2008-06-16T14:41:00.000-07:00

Chris Tony Scott B GMac RMac Borris Monica WeiG KevinK Silver Danesh Tom Clay Misha John M Kevin L Bobbi Jo Andrew Pepa Sasha John F Clark Paddy Martin Tracy Yafim Joan Yuriy Dennis Manny Alyce Fred

Lead With a Price Tag and Not a Solution

2007-11-05T13:49:00.000-08:00

Customer: I'd like to start taking public transportation
Sales: One hundred fifty thousand dollars
Customer:What?!
Sales:That's what it costs
Customer: No, I don't want to buy a form of public transportation, I would like to see what my options are for taking public transportation as an alternative to my car for commuting
Sales:You can fax the PO to 555.1212
Customer: I shouldn't need a PO for taking the bus though right? Do you need a PO if you prepay for the entire year as a part of employer commuting benefits?
Sales:What is your shipping address?
Sales:I'm actually calling about information that I received in the mail already. What are you planning on sending to my address?
Sales:Your Ferrari of course
Customer:Why are you sending me a Ferrari?
Sales:Well, you want the best thing that your one hundred fifty thousand dollars can buy right?
**Click**

Out With The Old, And In With The New...

2005-08-03T17:37:00.000-07:00

In an unusual and awkward moment this afternoon, members from each of the two prior engineering teams, current team, and an interview candidate for "the next team" were all in the office at the same time. This unimaginable coincidence could only come about as the result of a cataclysmic event; perhaps the result of gravitational acceleration acting upon the death spriral as it seeks to attain terminal velocity-- violently displacing any remaining atmospheric drag during it's downward plunge. Was the new accelerant the result of the admin resigning, or is it a prelude to something even bigger?

On Your Behalf, Read Your Email More Carefully

2005-07-26T14:37:00.000-07:00

2 entries found for "Career Limiting Move".

ca·reer lim·it·ing move

1. Turning down a "free burrito"
2. Company-wide "reply-all" thanking the wrong person for their service prior to their departure

I Get Knocked Down...But, I Get Back Up Again

2005-07-22T17:03:00.000-07:00

Backfill

2005-07-20T00:13:00.000-07:00

egrTmSize=(((((((7-1)-1)-1)-1)-1)+0)/(2*1mo))

Twas the night after one particular resignation

2005-07-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

Twas the night after one particular resignation

When all through the engineering pit,
Not a machine was humming; Not even a bit.
It's 5 PM, and happy hour has started.
Nobody seems too shocked the boss has parted.

As the last managers nestled down with their beers,
Visions of what was to be soon stoked their fears.
With the sales pipeline in question,
And engineers leaving by mere suggestion.

When out of nowhere spoke the sunken man.
"What have you done while executing your plan"?
"Company moral is at an all-time low",
"And we have zero cash flow".

As he stumbled across the room; tequila shot in hand.
"Investors have lost interest; what happened to customer demand"?
But nobody listened as he was long ago a discounted man.
So he just stood there pouting and kicking imaginary sand.

"Now listen here you pain in the ass"!
"Why do you sit there acting so crass"?
"You have just a few months left to start making money".
"Else you'll have to go back begging to your honey".

"The next round is on me so you keep your precious opex".
"But you better change your ways before you have no techs".
"Now... I'm off to visit my favorite waitress".
"So I'll leave you to broil in your self-induced stress".

With that he turned sharply and headed west.
Still feeling he knew what was really best.
And I heard him exclaim, ere he strolled out of sight.
I wish I could have at least told my own directs good night.

One tequila two tequila three tequila floor...

2005-07-05T11:15:00.000-07:00

Press Release--July 5, 2005
In a surprising move to increase risk, reduce profitability, and streamline customer disatisfiers, it was announced today that the sales and engineering teams would be further pared down. This move additionally seeks to further secure over indulgent executive salaries and bonus payouts on net negative sales. It is anticipated that following this announcement, more efforts will be made to prevent migration for the existing customer base by limiting backward compatibility, and added efforts will be put in place to maintain a dynamic road map where the top three target deliverables change in priority on an hourly basis.

Tonto my Friend, I'm sorry to say that I have to kill you...

2005-06-22T11:27:00.000-07:00

I am offering you one last chance to back out with your dignity, before my shiny new silver bullet cuts you down. You should leave now while you are still sat upon your horse. I'm going it alone now, and nothing you can say will stop me. I know that you have been wise in the past, and I ignored you then to my own detriment. There is nothing I can do about that now except to remove you as a daily reminder of my own mis-steps. I have told you all along that your efforts are no longer appreciated or even acknowledged. Yet you stay. Why? So that I can pester you further, cut you off at the knees. Tonto my friend, can you not see that I am standing in quick sand with a noose extended around my neck. Sinking...sinking further...darkness taking hold.

Buy the Square Foot...

2005-06-21T16:41:00.000-07:00

Leases. There are leases for everything; from furniture to cars to office space. The intention of a lease is to be less expensive than ownership, or for the more saavy, tax evasion purposes. For the less fortunate, leasing becomes a way of life and it can cloak what would otherwise be an obvious fact: you're paying too much. If you lease a thousand dollar couch for $300 per month for instance, in the words of Napolean Dynamite, "Your an IDIOT". Now, take your leased furniture, add 500 square feet per employee for office space in the hottest market on the planet, and make sure that your operating expenses are deep in the red. If you just did all that, "Your an IDIOT".

What Goes Down Must Come Back Up...

2005-06-21T16:22:00.000-07:00

That is, unless you are in a death spiral. In a financial sense, a death spiral insues when a cash starved company is bent over an invester's knee and coerced in to accepting terms and conditions that will ultimately lead to the company's own demise. The shrapnel expeled during a death spiral will most likely take out all but the most optimistic, misguided, or vested individuals during it's downward plunge-- thus exacerbating and already bad situation in to a feverish pitch of delusion and mass expulsion of misinformation from top tier individuals fearing for their own wellbeing and other self driven motivations.

You know that things are bad when...

2005-06-17T16:47:00.000-07:00

The technical advisory board is twice the size of the company itself and collectively have 10x the options of all but the executives.

Dust cloud.

2005-06-17T14:38:00.000-07:00

Sometime yesterday afternoon the engineering pit was consumed in a fog-like existance that looked like the remanants of a pyro-technics display gone horribly wrong. The dust was such a fine consistancy that it was difficult to breath causing the Irishman to head for the hills and other engineers to gasp for breath wondering if this was truly the end.

Apparently concrete dust was kicked up from the ongoing construction next door and sucked straight through the rickety ventilation system and in to our open area where it was immediately dispersed through our lab equipment. But, a little dust never affected any computer equipment, so the lab managed to stay alive through the ordeal. With IT out on personal leave one disaster was fortunately averted.

I rushed to the end of the street to purchase emergency dust masks only to be faced by the very real possibility that I would never be reimbured for the $5 cost per unit. So, I lingered in Walgreens just long enough to choke down a drink to get the concrete aftertaste out of my mouth and went back in...