Friday, April 15, 2016

You don't own your ideas, even if you have never shared them outwardly...

Remember that form we told you that you had to sign if you wanted to stay employed?  Ya, it pretty much said "We own you", and that includes all of your thoughts, ideas, whims, dreams and aspirations; those of yesterday, today, and all the way through the infinite future whether or not you remain employed here or not.  Thanks for being such a loyal contributor to the Borg!

Thanks for your 10 years of service!

Sorry that we can't put the right name on your plaque but they are printed months in advance and there are hundreds of, ya, thanks again!

Tuesday, March 01, 2016

Upcoming Fiscal Year Employee Resourcing Plan Options

  1. Based solely upon popularity with the VP
  2. Based upon squeakiness (in decibels, and tantrums)
  3. Based upon needless output rather than strategic aligned outcome
  4. Based upon likability over high performance
  5. Based upon only bringing in B players and below 

We will decide by committee vote which course to plot in a series of standing 1-hour meetings in which the same points will be discussed repetitively until someone cries Uncle as the tie breaker.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Secret to running a globally distributed high performance network consisting of thousands of machines

if [ `uptime|awk '{print $3}'` -gt 48 ]; then sudo init 6; else sleep 1d; fi

Friday, December 11, 2009

Employee value confirmation:

VP - You must be worth something since you came in with an acquisition
Director (reply-all) - Who are you?

Monday, June 16, 2008

After Day 1

Chris Tony Scott B GMac RMac Borris Monica WeiG KevinK Silver Danesh Tom Clay Misha John M Kevin L Bobbi Jo Andrew  Pepa Sasha John F Clark Paddy Martin Tracy Yafim Joan Yuriy Dennis Manny Alyce Fred

Monday, November 05, 2007

Lead With a Price Tag and Not a Solution

Customer: I'd like to start taking public transportation
Sales: One hundred fifty thousand dollars
Sales:That's what it costs
Customer: No, I don't want to buy a form of public transportation, I would like to see what my options are for taking public transportation as an alternative to my car for commuting
Sales:You can fax the PO to 555.1212
Customer: I shouldn't need a PO for taking the bus though right? Do you need a PO if you prepay for the entire year as a part of employer commuting benefits?
Sales:What is your shipping address?
Sales:I'm actually calling about information that I received in the mail already. What are you planning on sending to my address?
Sales:Your Ferrari of course
Customer:Why are you sending me a Ferrari?
Sales:Well, you want the best thing that your one hundred fifty thousand dollars can buy right?

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Out With The Old, And In With The New...

In an unusual and awkward moment this afternoon, members from each of the two prior engineering teams, current team, and an interview candidate for "the next team" were all in the office at the same time. This unimaginable coincidence could only come about as the result of a cataclysmic event; perhaps the result of gravitational acceleration acting upon the death spriral as it seeks to attain terminal velocity-- violently displacing any remaining atmospheric drag during it's downward plunge. Was the new accelerant the result of the admin resigning, or is it a prelude to something even bigger?